Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
