Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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