Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
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I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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