and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
