im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
