I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
