Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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