she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
