So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My liver just had a heart attack.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
