im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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