One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
