ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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