so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
