i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
