Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
