I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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