Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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