My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
