Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
As shirtless as possible
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
