I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
