If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
