You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just had sex on a roof
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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