Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
