I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
