Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm at about main and main street
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
