apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
