I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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