Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
