Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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