You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
