I'm gonna have a badass scar
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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