Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
