Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
