I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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