i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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