Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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