literally had 100 drinks last night.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
