Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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