After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
