the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wear drunk well.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
