Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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