Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
