I faked an abortion last night.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
