im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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