I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
