As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
