woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
