He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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