I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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