as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
