shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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