Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
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Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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