In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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